Pimping Our Mouths

I took this topic too far. Far too far.


Gossip is the most sincere, withstanding, and purely golden of all conversation topics. Indeed, you can fall back to asking about the weather with the locals, but closer friends are thirstier for a deeper topic; they want something deliciously vicious to throb their tongues to. The weather is so effortless, but it’s even easier to mock are the people with flaws. Perhaps it’s the pastor that hits his kids, or your friend’s mom who is cheating with the pastor, or even the mom’s child who gave up Harvard to work at Cici’s Pizza and smoke the mighty herb. One of these people will be your topic of conversation someday. Don’t fret and find it easy to hate yourself. No, hating yourself is unhealthy, but hating others in secret is harmless. Gossip is healthy, in fact.

Outlets exist for everything. Violent video games are controversial, but for a fraction of people they can revise their fantasy of beating hobos to death and reiterate this into a video game or crocheting. Similarly, gossip is our filter for saying “you suck” to someone’s face.

When you’re close enough to someone, you start to understand why eccentric old people gossip about young’uns. We’re radically different, even from the flower children variety. They look at our Lindsay Lohan drug scandals or Lady Gaga’s and turn into a gossip fountain. And honestly, although we’ve accepted Lady Gaga into our mainstream hearts, we have plenty to tear apart.

That said some are easier to pick on than others. I think of myself as an open gentleman, accepting of the broadest of norms. Some of my best friends are gay, jobless, foreign, or even haters themselves. I love all of them, and would never gossip about someone because of their life ideology. Yet, when it directly affects their livelihood, or your own, one must step in and talk about them to everyone else.

My example for this essay is an ex of mine. It’s been a good four months, and I’ve moved on, but it’s amazing how she has become the prime target of everyone’s gossip since our demise. I, myself, have tried to take the high road and say little to infect the gossip. I failed. She’s too easy to laugh at.

Let’s start with the fact that she started gaining weight. This isn’t a bad thing, I would never ostracize one for gaining a few pounds, but she turned into a lazy sponge. I go to school full time and work part time here and there. She had a part time job, and 90% of the time she was lounging on the couch, complaining about how hard it was to sit all day and chat on facebook. I would end up doing most of the household cleaning, dishes, and picking up after her. Furthermore, she did not help with the rent. I understand that she had to pay for her car, but you must understand that $300 of her money were not in savings and unaccounted for.

I, being a man with testosterone producing testis, started pressuring her to get off her rump and work out, clean, and generally be a good roommate. She would have nothing of it. I kicked her out and she soon turned into an insane megaphone of a human. Rumors ignited shortly afterward. Suddenly I was a lazy bum who was afraid to graduate college, although in my defense I’m graduating on time, and her other claim is that I left her for a slut. In the alleged slut’s defense she had nothing to do with it and is one kind, sexy woman.

This ex went bonkers. I reached out to be her friend on more than one occasion since the breakup, and she kindly accepted it, before going deranged again and calling me names.

My friends have since given me plenty of details on her to devour since then. I’ll give them to you, to show how much I secretly enjoy to gossip: 1) She dyed her hair black, and it doesn’t flatter her weight gain. 2) She’s dated a large number of old men in an effort to trap a sugar daddy with babies. 3) She’s attempted to seduce my current girlfriend. 4) She wears one outfit that consists of denim on denim every day, and refuses to change underwear. 5) This, I learned myself, she doesn’t know how to spend money. I had a mailbox filled with letters and voicemails from loan sharks and banks trying to reach her.

With all this said, I don’t gossip often. I only use it as a route of conversational topic when two people are gleefully upset with a particular individual. I argue that it’s healthy. You shouldn’t keep things bottled up inside.

I can’t justify everything I say. I have flaws of my own that helped end the relationship. Mostly, these were due to my disinterest in continuing the thing. As I’ve said before, I have trouble finding my own flaws, and perhaps you can just assume that when I gossip I can be really mean. I promise I love you, world. Just don’t be a directly parasitic to my life.